Ten Tips for Long-Time Fencing Parents
“The days are long, but the years are short.”
This adage about what it’s like to be a parent really hits home. There are long days of working hard, with all the immense number of details we have to manage. Juggling everything means we can either find ourselves on autopilot or totally lost in appreciating the preciousness of time we’ve got. There are also those real moments of frustration and exasperation.
There are also those real moments of frustration and exasperation.
Photo: Serge Timacheff
Then, in the blink of an eye, the kids aren’t kids anymore and they’re ready to head off to college. All that crush of the day-to-day is gone so quickly, even though it all seemed endless when we were cleaning fencing uniforms or driving to a competition.
Being a long-time fencing parent is both exciting and exhausting. We hope these 10 tips will give you a better foothold so the long days feel more like a connection with your kids through fencing, which is what they should be!
1. Look to the future, but enjoy the present
This tip is first because it is from where everything else flows. If you’ve been a fencing parent for a long time, the chances are your fencer has serious goals they are pursuing. It might be to fence at Summer Nationals, to land a spot on a college fencing team or even to get all the way to the Olympics.
These big dreams are great! We should always have goals and work toward them. You’ll burn yourself out if you only think about the future, however. Instead, give yourself the grace to enjoy the moment. Focus on the small picture rather than always looking at the big one. Life is made up of those little moments, and they are fleeting.
2.Define success
Longtime fencers generally have plenty of goals, both short-term and long-term, to get them where they want to go. Fencing parents don’t tend to sit down and write goals in the same way, though you’ve probably folded strategies and supports into your own life planning.
What does success look like for you as a fencing parent? The answer is universal. Successful parenting is you knowing you’ve done the best you can for your child to foster their independence and become the best version of themself. That’s what we’re all here to do. The same applies to fencing parenting. You’re a successful fencing parent if you’ve given your child the opportunity to do what they love and grow through it.
It is worthwhile thinking about this question and even writing down your answers. Think about it in terms of your specific situation – what do you want for your child, in conjunction with their own goals? What can you do to get there? As your child gets older, this often means finding ways to untangle your support and let them stand on their own.
3. Let your fencer be independent
This point directly spins off the last one. Fencers who’ve been at this for a year or two (or three or four), can probably do a whole lot more than you think they can. The learning curve required to get into the sport is gone, and now you can really let your fencer go out and do things on their own.
If they need to reschedule a lesson, sit down with them and the software and let them do it. Show them the registration process for fencing competitions and let them fill it all in. Transparency is great for teenagers as it keys them into the real-world cost of things like fencing fees and the labor it takes to make it all happen.
This extends to packing for travel, checking equipment, determining goals, etc. Everything from filling their water bottles to laundering fencing knickers. Parents are here to take care of everything and make sure it all goes off as well as possible, but letting kids do things independently is empowering for them.
4. Encourage fencers to take risks
Teenagers and older kids tend to be natural risk takers, but they can get stuck like we all can. Part of this age is pushing boundaries and growing through testing the waters.
Encourage your child not to take the safe path in their fencing. When they’ve been fencing for a while, it can get easy to stay in the same path and stick with what works. The problem there is that growth happens when we step out of our comfort zone. Encourage your child to go to the next level by doing things that are outside of their comfort zone. Whether it’s going to a competition in an unfamiliar city or taking on an opponent in open fencing who they know is going to be difficult, taking the risk is almost always worth it. Even when it turns to failure, that’s still a positive thing from which they can learn.
5. Create check-in opportunities
Sometimes the wheel of fencing parenting can start turning without us being in touch with what’s going on. Drop the fencer off at practice, arrange a carpool, register for a tournament, figure out the travel, pack the gear bag, etc.
The older kids get, the less likely they are to come to us with problems. That’s especially true if they don’t think that we’re the experts, i.e. if they’re having a problem with fencing and we as parents aren’t fencing experts.
More than half the battle is having an open door and creating real opportunities for them to open up. Daily or weekly check-ins, whether they’re just about fencing or if they’re of a general nature, can make a huge difference. Sometimes talking is hard for kids and teens, especially when life gets busy. One solution is to post a white board in a central location in the house or to create a Google Doc or spreadsheet that you can both write into. This leaves the door open for your young fencer to let you know about things without having to have a sit-down. It might be something as simple as a note about their private lesson schedule, or it might be as complex as them rethinking their goals. Either way, it’s better for everyone when there are opportunities to talk about it.
Longtime fencing parents tend to be passionate about their fencers’ progress and excited for their successes.
Photo: Serge Timacheff
6. Model kindness & integrity
Integrity and kindness are transferable skills every parent wants to instill in their kids. Though fencing is a voracious sport explosive in its combat, that doesn’t mean there is any ill intent behind a lunge or a touch.
When they see you being kind and living with integrity, they’ll follow suit. Longtime fencing parents tend to be passionate about their fencers’ progress and excited for their successes. That’s fantastic! Showing compassion for a referee, opponent or coach sets the tone for how your kids interact with others.
There is a cliche about serious sports parents getting heavy-handed and emotional, and it’s a cliche for a reason. Luckily, it’s not overly prevalent in fencing, but being fiercely protective of our kids is a constant for parents everywhere. Be intentional about how you interact with others in the world around you, and watch your kids follow your lead.
7. Take stock of what’s working
This one is so simple, but it’s transformative. If you’ve been doing all the things being a fencing parent requires, then you probably picked up ways to do those things along the way without thinking about them.
There are always hiccups in the ways we do things. Maybe you have your child’s fencing gear in an upstairs closet when you’d be better served to keep it in the garage where it doesn’t have to go up and down the stairs. Check the fencing schedule to see if there are different class times, or a different private lesson time that would better fit your schedule. Rethink the idea of carpooling. What’s your process for packing and getting ready for an away competition? Maybe there’s an easier way to make it work.
A great way to do this is to think about the parts of your child’s fencing training you avoid or dread – where’s the emotional “ugh” in your fencing routine? Then work on changing whatever that is.
Take a minute and go back to have a look at your child’s early fencing days to see how far they’ve come.
Photo: Serge Timacheff
8. Look back on their first fencing days
Take a minute and go back to have a look at your child’s early fencing days to see how far they’ve come. This is so impactful for fencing parents who’ve been going at this for a long time. It allows you to have some perspective on where you are now.
Dig out the pictures of their first experiences in class and in competition. Give yourself the gift of seeing how far they’ve come and how far you’ve come. Think about how fencing has shaped them and then realize it’s a gift you’ve helped to make happen.
9. Avoid becoming a “checkbox” fencing parent
Though there are lots of benefits to creating goals and writing down lists to keep track of what your fencer has accomplished, avoid becoming fixated on these things. Your child’s fencing experience is more than a series of boxes to check off.
“Competed in an NAC,” “Medaled at a regional competition,” “Trained with XYZ” – these things are all great goals, but accomplishments are about more than just checking off boxes. Accomplishments are about finding out how good you can be against yourself. You don’t have to be perfect to be valued, and you don’t have to win to be valued.
This is not only good for your child, but also for you too. You need to be able to think outside of the checkboxes, as well. It’s the personal experience, win or lose, that is important here.
It’s a lot of work, but our kids benefit so greatly from it!
Photo: Serge Timacheff
10. Appreciate yourself
We place a heavy emphasis on the accomplishments of our children, and that’s as it should be. However, our final tip for longtime fencing parents is to appreciate yourself. You have put time, money, emotional energy and hard work into supporting your young fencer. Give credit to yourself for all that good stuff you’ve facilitated!
Write down a list of the things you’ve sacrificed and the ways you’ve molded your life to allow them to go on their fencing journey. You don’t have to share this list with anyone else, you can just keep it for yourself. The point is to quantify what you’ve contributed and to celebrate that. You deserve it.
This kind of appreciation exercise can help to fuel you so that you can continue to be there for your young fencer. Parents put in so very much to their fencers, and it’s absolutely critical we recognize that. Fencing success doesn’t happen without a strong support system, and you as a longtime fencing parent are the backbone of that support system. You deserve to feel good about yourself!
Your job as a fencing parent is incredibly complex and multifaceted. Longtime fencing parents become experts at juggling a wide variety of needs, guiding their kids through the sometimes-difficult path of fencing. It’s a lot of work, but our kids benefit so greatly from it!
Sometimes the hardest part of being a parent is figuring out how to maintain our footing. We sincerely hope that these longtime fencing parent tips help you to find that balance!
Igor Chirashnya is the COO and co-founder of the Northern California-based Academy of Fencing Masters. For more tips and parental advise about fencing, please see the AFM blog.